Saturday, 19 November 2011


Today has been a good day.  I got up early and went to the gym.  Burned 1000kcals.  Will be sore tomorrow.  Plus I am starting my new job tomorrow. I obv didn't think this through. Maybe a hot shower will help. =S

Sorry to disappoint but I have had chocolate today. Two bars. The shame.  I had a flake (135) before the gym for energy, and a fudge (110) after.  So its half 4 and my total is 250.  It won't be my final total though because I am going to have tea at around 6ish.  What to have though? =/ 

Lots of uni work to haul through.  My friend C sat her dental nurse exam today so hopefully she has passed, its good though because now I get my friend back.  Before she studied all the time.  We play black ops online. Its fun. 


Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Happy title

Phew...I am happy today.  I kicked my ass in gear and headed to the gym. Students have free membership as long as they go before 4pm.  Good session. Hopefully now that I've started going back I can keep to it.  Going tomorrow before uni as well. Probably won't be as good as today.

I burned 500, plus 20 minutes walking and then some crunches and squats. When counting what I eat  I always round up. My calories intake for today is 490cals.  For breakfast I had two small slices of wholemeal toast. (120) with low fat butter and marmalade (30).  Then I had porridge with skimmed milk after the gym with the smallest amount of honey =] (160) At around 7ish I'll have a bowl of vegetable soup (190) for tea.  

I guess overal that would give me -10 cals as a net amount.  Though I don't think Ill deduct exercise otherwise Ill end up eating more...then were would it stop.  So I'm going with 490ish for today. Wicked. Tomorrow will most likely be higher, I'm in uni till 5. 

I find this image motivating when I am are struggling. Be it in the gym or emotionally or when I am hungry. 


Sunday, 13 November 2011


My head is sore. I am fed up researching.  I've spent at least 20 hours working on a 1400 word assignment. It's due tomorrow and I am almost finished. Uni is hard people.  Essays have to be completely referenced which is the longest part.  I could easily write difficulties in math from my head etc but noo I have to reference everything from journals and books etc.  On the bright side it has distracted me from thinking of food.  I didn't even realise it was so late.

I am really jealous and appreciate the hard work put in of all those fabulous girls out there who are amazing at maths. Oh well Science is my forte. Possibly not the math is physics lol. Team geeks

Been a good day so far. Ive had fruit n fibre cereal (for an extra boost on bowel movements) sorry TMI there but I'm sure that I am not the only one who has this problem lol. Anywho had that with red know the good kind, and a cup of green tea with a drop of honey and coffee for brain power. I aprrox total at 250ish. I plan on having a bowel of veg soup at 100 cals Il go 150 cals to be sure incase I end up having a different flavour.  So i'm approximating my total at 400cals for today.  I'l post later to be sure. I usually don't post during the day but at night when my day is finished, but I need a break from doing Math and I feel like sharing.  Love all my lovely ladies who follow me xx


Okay So I'm edited in my food.  I had scotch broth soup at (170) a tin. Plus a round of unbuttered wholemeal bread (60),  So total 500cals 

DietCokePlease xxx

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Eat Less Scales

After the last two days I needed today.  I have been pure gorbing! I had over 1000cals both yesterday adn the day before. Not good.  Not good at all.  It's okay though because I'm back on the wagon and restricting.  Today has been good.  Not my best but still good.

Breakfast I had toast (60) with marmalade (25).  For tea I had a skinless chicken breast fillet (200) with some parsnip, sprouts and peas, approx (170) in total, and a class of coke (105).  Total: 560cals.  Feels like a lot.  Probably because most of the cals came from one sitting. Oh well. I could do so much better without the coke, but it gives me more energy and I need energy to get some uni work done tonight.  It's near half 8 at night so thats me finished. 

These scales would be amazing to own. Sure would be good motivation.


Wednesday, 9 November 2011

I'm so stupid!

Got 56%  in my teaching & learning assignment. How crap. I cried for an hour!  Not a good start to year 2 at uni. I'm so stupid! I tried so hard though. Grrrr. I did some maths work today. Pretty boring but it has to be done. Prob do crap on it too. =[

Day 2 of my Nov/Dec diet.  Still going good. Restricted under 500 went for a run, did some exercise. heraa  heraa. It's only an approx, not down to the exact cal, but I always round up rather than down. =]

Toast (60) no butter, splash of marmalade (25) for breakfast.  Then for tea I had a grilled chicken breast (180) with 24 sprouts (90) Yes I love my sprouts. Low cal and totally yum! Some coke to drink (50) Need to start drinking diet coke again. I'm addicted to fat coke! =[ Anywho. Total - 405cals.

Got the new Percy Jackson book. (Yes I love childrens/teens fiction) XD.  Going to read it tonight


Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Coca Rocha

So today has been good calorie wise. Mostly because I bought the new Call of Duty game. Modern Warfare 3. It is brilliant and has distracted me from food. I love looking at food though so I did watch four episodes of, 'Come Dine with me.'  Its a british series where 4/5 strangers meet up and throw dinner parties and compete for £1000. I love to look at all their meals. Very satisfying. 

Today's stats (approx)

For breakfast I had toast (60) with some marmalade (25) and a cup of tea with red milk (5). Then I had a cup of tea later on (5). For dinner I had two rounds of toast (120) no butter, and 1/2 tin of beans (120) with a glass of coke (75).  Total -  400cals

It's almost half 10 at night so I'm finished for today.  Also I took one hydroxycut tablet. Which is little compared to what your meant to take which is 4 a day.  If I could take 4 I would. You know 2 in the morning and 2 in the evening. However they make me sick if I take that many.  They do work though. =]

Some thinspo of one of my fav models. Coco Rocha queen of the pose <3


Monday, 7 November 2011

Missed Every1 -Sorry

Hi,  First of - sorry I have not posted in months.  I feel ashamed, I thought I  could get better without posting. I can't and I need this, I need support.  Weight gain = is not better, I feel like shit.  So I'm back down to 117lbs. Still striving for 100. Naturally.

I am in my second year at uni - oh the joy- it's so much harder.  You know what made me relapse and realise I need this. I did so bad on my first assignment of the year.  I just scraped a pass. Barely. =[ My school work suffered less when I was happy not eating much, but when I try to eat stress free = more stress. Oh the endless cycle.  

So yes I'm hoping you guys are still here for me =]. I will support use again. Hope to hear from everyone.  I forgot how much I enjoyed sharing my life. =]

DietCokePlease x

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Ima be a godmama!!

So I haven't blogged in a while. I even checked my diary and I haven't written in it in 4 weeks!  I guess I was a mixture of having hardly any time to myself for a while and being ashamed.  I am home and I swear I cannot control myself! I just can't.  I am always good during the morning in placement.  I keep my calorie to around 400-500.  Then I go home and my mum makes me eat dinner err, and I want to so really it's my fault.  I feel so fat. fml.   

Good news though that makes me want to change slightly is that I'm gonna be a godmama. XD I wana be the best godmama eva! Im not religious, but which godparents really are these days, besides I googled it and I am so excited.  My friend S has just found out she is pregnant. 7 weeks or so.  Due date is in January.    qwjfhiuahfuehgiahgoaehgohgowhegqwfnpqeuwhf;nug

Ahh bittersweet....why can't I be normal? and just enjoy everything without constantly calorie counting. meh!  I don't want go back to uni in Liverpool because I want to stay and help my friend with her baby and be around for it, but I also want my degree and I know when I live away from my parents I can restrict easily. Decisions decisions...

Anyway sorry about not blogging....I am going to catch up on all your lovely blogs now. xx

DietCokePlease xxx

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Shopping and Laddergoat!

So today, I went shopping to Asda.  It was good, I got all the foods I like.  I got low cal vegetable soup, apples, veggies, red milk.  Low cal snacks etc etc.  Yep my week is hopefully going to be a good one. I binged out today, but I didn't purge. Good, my teeth were pleased with me.  Probably not my stomach though, but who they fucks cares! I care, I do. Oh well.  Anyway, I did binge today, yes it was easy, and damn am I guilty now.  Meh it's Sunday, therefore haaaugggge Sunday dinner.  I made my mum give me lots and lots of veg so I could fill myself up and it was easy because I love brussel sprouts.  Then I just ate chocolate, and I won't lie it was nice. Too much, but nice.  Tomorrow is Monday, so lets have a nice week will we, a nice restricting week, full of restrictyness. That's not even a word.  It is now.  It's in my blog so it  has to be a word. >_< Yeeeah!   

I watched a very random video on you tube. "Oh you, Ladder goat, You so random," It will make you laugh and laugh and will certainly brighten your dullest days.  SEARCH & WATCH IT!!


Friday, 6 May 2011

I made one week!

One week of no purging...achievement.  Hopefully I can keep it up, also as I am trying not to purge I have pressured myself to restrict more as I know I have no other option as an out if I overeat.  I do have my hard times and eat way more than I should, then I have days were I find it very very easy.  I wish I had an in between.  Hell I wish I could just not eat, then everything would be perfect, I would have total self control. 

I feel in control today. Although I know if I eat now I will lose all control so me no eaty. It is 11pm and my calorie count is 410cals. This is mainly because I didn't go into my placement today, so I slept in later, hence no eating.  I am so happy of myself today.  I feel like I achieved a lot.  I worked a 3 hour shift in the chinese and I didn't eat anything.  I get a free meal and didn;t even take it =], it wasn't even tempting, there was no mind games going on in my head trying to convince myself not to eat.

Came home I got into bed and caught up on all my programmes. (glee, vampire diaries, bones and of course ANTM- which I can't fucking believe that Alexandria went home, should have been Hannah!.Tyra said to Alexandria, "You have too much control" What!  #!%^&$!! Fuck. Control is good! I wanted to cry! ahhh Goddammit I wanted her to win! Im rooting for Molly now, she may be grumpy a lot but damn she is gorgeous! and I sorta just love her, she brings out my gay side sometimes. lol. ) My mum then bought the whole house pizza.  I declined, it was easy. I am happy.  Then my mum gave me two sausages for my to feed to my dog, I smelt them.  It was enough.  I am happy. Success.


Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Wednesday Wonder

I don't know why I made my title so poetic, I guess I'm in a good mood. A lazy mood but happy enough. I am chilled out on my bed with my beautiful jack russell terrier M trying to distract myself from doing work XD.  I have had 626 cals today, and I hope to not eat anymore.  I feel it's an achievement even though it is only 7.30pm.  I usually can make it to this time with less cals but I am never up from 7am, so really I have had 626cals over a 12 hour period which I think is good.  I hope my will power will carry me through until tomorrow when I can have my yummy fruit and fibre cereal.  I bought the kellogs brand at 152cals per bowl, but I am going to round it up to 200cals because in my house is only full fat milk. Ewwk. I must buy red,   I just don't want my family to think anything if I do. 

I haven't purged since Friday. One week is my target! I hope I can make it because I really do want to keep my teeth, and diet coke and purging certainly do not help with this.  Though recently I have cut down on the diet coke because it gives me really bad stomach cramps and makes loud noises in my stomach after a few hours of drinking it.  So just water now, but I love evian water so it's all good.  That's toothless the night fury- great movie, but if I don't change I'l end up matching the cute night fury. 
I have no scales, I cannot weigh myself, it's frustrating, but If I fail I can't see the numbers so I guess it's easier to get back up on the horse and go for round 600.  My lovely ladies who comment, use are my saddle and when I fall you guys help me so much and I can't thank use enough for understanding and not judging.  It's great to blog and go on PT where people who really understand support each other.  Much love as always.

Ohh and placement day 2 went well, a tad boring.  I have to now spend 2 hours making a lesson plan for a 20 minute lesson I will teach...eurgh where is the logic! 


Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Ironic? Diets & Healthy eating

Today was my first day of placement at schools teaching science.  I mainly observed.  Unit of work the students I was with were working on: Diets & Healthy Eating. Ironic isn't it.  The teacher went through some things about being obese and being underweight.  The pupils were then given the opportunity to find out there BMI, some did and some didn't.  Girls screamed and of course caused drama about knowing there weight, boys couldn't really give a shit. Me I just stood there staring at the scales like an idiot.  On the board was the words, 'Out of Control.'  It really hit me how out of control I have been lately, I have been eating like a pig and I need to get my control back.  I need to find a punishment to stop me eating. I must. I have probably gained the weight of an elephant and more. I can't cut, I'm not at that place and hope to never be as I see the struggles and pain of some of my beautiful ladies on here. Plus I'm supposed to be a role model for young pupils especially the young ladies.  One girl bless her freaked out today because she weighed more than the other girls, I honestly felt her pain, she looked so sad and seriously stressed.  Also I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed because I was jealous of the skinnier girls, skinnier than me, even though they were smaller they weighed less and I just wanted to bad to weigh the same if not lower.  I keep asking myself, 'How can I be a role model to these young girls if I don't eat healthy.'  

Oh well, more on the subject tomorrow. Apart from that I enjoyed my placement, a little boring just observing at times but I honestly cannot wait to teach science fully.  I get to teach a 20 minute class on materials on Thursday. Super excited for that. 


Monday, 2 May 2011

Obama 1 Osama 0

This defo tops my usual food related posts. Obama 1 Osama 0.  My thoughts are still with those who were affected by 9/11, and Osama Bin Laden got what he deserved. America and UK well done. Hopefully our soldiers will be home sooner now <3 xx

Also got to give my congrats to the Royal Family, especially the beautiful Kate & William.  Haha they were giving free train rides on Mersey rail if you were named Kate or William. Im Molly. Damn!

Back to a less important topic(under these circumstances) -My social life is killing me.  I have been home five days and for five days I have pigged out.  I don't even know why I ate half of the time because I wasn't hungry.  I was having supper, snacks, anything you name it I had.  I had easter eggs after easter.  I did so well with no eggs all easter then I cam home and my mum gave me two. TWO!! I ate them both...and a pizza.  I can't even bare to think what I must weigh. I feel like all my hard work is down the drain.  

Tomorrow I start my placement at schools and I am in from 8 till 4ish.  What the fuck am I going to eat? Never mind that part because I am so nervous.  I don't know how to teach teenagers, I barely feel older than one myself, I only turned 20 last month.  I just hope all goes well and I gain the confidence to be strong around these teens, after all nobody likes the subs or teaching assistants, so I doubt they will give me a break being a trainee teacher.  Phew hopefully I can take it all in my stride.  Maybe being younger will help me relate to them.  We shall see. 


Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Take your own advice.

Okay girls....Recently I have been giving advice etc and comments and I realised I never take my own advice.  How can I give support and advice to you lovely people If I can't even do it myself.  That is hypocritical right there.  So I am going to take my own advice and support along with all you lovely supporters as well of course who help me so much, more than use probably realise.  

Anyway today I binged and I mean binged.  I started well with vegetable soup 129cals, but I felt really faint so I bought a sandwich 303cals, then I went mad and ate a whole box of chocolate fingers. 650cals worth and I was in company so I couldn't even get rid D=. I drank two bottles of kopparberg pear at 220cal each. That makes todays total at: 1522cals.  Damn, thats a lot, the most I have in ages. My advice. Chin up girly and start again.  Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I restrict.  I have been asked to a formal which is in four weeks.  I will drop a dress size. I must. Run Run Run Fatso, exercise chubby and you will be beautiful and thin and everyone will love you.  Why thank-you my dear...May is a month for getting thin. Wow. P.s my old post, I got the picture of cake off the internet, I meant that I would eat it if I had it, but I would never let myself buy it, but it looked nice. xx
Who dosen't like motivational family guy. Also...
Sadly I am not a statue.


Tuesday, 26 April 2011

End of Exams

It's over...gone. First year of uni done. Except for placement, but no more exams or assignments XD.  Two months of working in schools will be very fun, I'm a little scared about what to eat.  Breakfast= cereal, Snack= Apple? Lunch=? then my mum will make dinner...I don't know how I am going to survive? I can't eat it but I must, I need energy and strength to last me all day? But i'll be fat? ahhhh...must not think about this.  I start next tuesday. 0_0. I am back at my old high school as well, this is going to be interesting. I would eat this cake(I wrote cat, published blog then re read it. lol I don't eat cats, who eats cats? dogs?. Im a person) to celebrate end of my exams...prob purge it but dang it's true.
Moving home on Thursday...and thank fuck for that, can't stand living in these stupid halls, with my stupid moaning flat mates.  Living on a famous street next year in Liverpool =] Won't say where, so I am excited about that and living with my class mates.

Oh and I did not have any easter eggs over easter...not a single one.  Last few days I have been eating alot...hitting the 900cal mark I think and yesterday was awful.  I think I hit around 1300cal. Yikes!  I haven't had time to count exactly recently.  I binned my food diary because If anyone found it at home...well I couldn't face that.  I'll start a new one in July when I am in my new flat, until then its guesstimating.  Today however I had 1/2 weight watchers pie. 149cal.  12 boiled brussel sprouts 96cal. Some peas. 50cal. Gravy 50cal.  Coffee. 5 cal.  That was my tea. Then I had a twirl 232cal and chewy sweets. 100cal fml. I tried to purge but I couldn't knowing that I would binge further so I stopped after one go and decided to just be fat. I couldn't resist, I have no will power. =[ Total : 682. eurgh please! Any much love as always xxx


Friday, 22 April 2011

Day 3 of 250 a day

Day 1= fail
Day 2 = fail
Day 3 = FUCK

Why can't I just do what I set out to do. Sometimes I hate having friends. I am sociable a lot of the time because I need friends, I need to be sociable.  Sometimes it pisses me off.  I celebrated the last of my exams with alcohol yesterday and dang what a waste of calories.  Well over 250.  I swear yesterday was an awful day, one of my worst in a while.  I ate/drank:  Two weetabix biscuits, small piece of spongebob cake, 1 x bulmers pear, 2 x kopperbergs pear, 1 x packet of tayto crisps.  Then I was a little drunk and came home and munched out.  =[ fml.  A whole packet of supernoodles, 20 brussel sprouts, a small yogurt, handful of fries with bbq sauce. Why oh fucking why.  Today will be better.  I am only going to have a plate of brussel sprouts and that is all.  I don't deserve anything else.  I hate this diet, it makes me feel like shit.  I can do 250 days but when I set out to do it I fail.  It's too much, too hard. I can't do it.  I give up.

I was so ashamed of myself I almost didn't post.  Good luck to the other girls though who are doing this aswell.  Hope it goes well for you guys xx.


Wednesday, 20 April 2011

250cals for ten days

I am so up for this 250 cal a day for ten days. No uni, no nothing to distract me. I need to pack but all the better to keep my mind at rest. I can do this.  We can do this.  I decided to try it along with a few others such as skinnylovexox.  Hope it goes well for everyone.  Hello summer. Goodbye baggy clothes.

Man did my first taking of hydroxycut make me feel ill as a dog.  I mean I couldn't move without feeling nauseous and my head killed.  However I did take 2 for my first time when I should have only took one to let my body get used to it.  On a bright note today I took one then an hour later another one and then I just took one.  I feel like I don't want to eat but I'm still hungry (if that makes sense) Nothing is luring me to eat, or tempting me, it just doesn't seem appetising.  I am going to have some of my favourite- diet coke- and see how that goes.  I need to do my assignments due in on Monday tonight and I don't want to go over 250 cals.  So far I have had:

Honeynut Corn Flakes with skimmed milk- 130 cals
Tea with skimmed milk- 5cals

That leaves me 115 for the rest of the day.  I have no idea what to eat that will keep it at 115 and let me have energy and not be hungry.  I think I will take another hydroxycut pill. 4 is the daily limit so I can take one more only.  I'll decide later.  Glee time xx


Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Hydroxycut Advanced

I bought Hydroxycut and I am looking forward to my lovely weight loss.  Well I hope so.  I just can't be fucked with the nasty side effects. Oh well skinny isn't easy.  Caffeine pills worked for my exams, kept me motivated and my brain ticking enough.  Off them now because these new diet pills have caffeine in them and I don't much fancy having a caffeine overdose...that would most definitely suck.

I know I aced my Chemistry and Biology exams.  Physics was a D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R! I'm annoyed the most that I get an overall mark between the three.  I would much rather have two A's and a . Not an overall C. Eurgh!  Don't care about English, thought I think I did okay.  Math is on thursday...meh not too bothered.  It's open book...can't be that hard.  I just love my science, can't wait to graduate and get a job! Will be amazing teaching little lovelies about science.  Although sometimes I think I shouldn't teach science (even thought I really really want to) because I would be hypocritical when it comes to diets and stuff.  I would teach them to be healthy thought. Not like me. Jeese I know.  Hopefully my brain works better by the time I graduate.  If anyone has experience with hydroxycut I appreciate feedback from it??

DietCokePlease xxx

Friday, 15 April 2011

Caffeine Pills

Another day of revision, gawd my life is so boring right now. I can't wait until I have time to run again. My weight just will not move down. So frustrating. I 've been eating so little and then I will have a 1000cal food day and bang my weight is where it started. Why oh why can't I get out of this endless cycle. Hopefully once I am home in Ireland I can do more exercise. The weather better be brilliant this summer.!

I bought caffeine pills because I am sick of being tired and having no energy and having to eat to compensate. It is only a trial run, so we will see how it works. I got them off ebay so you never know. I'll keep an update on how they make me feel, I will probably post at the end of this as an additional or something.

I feel so guilty so I must write this. I had such a bad day yesterday, I couldn't concentrate on my work, I got little revision done and I ate loads. Probably around 1200cals if not more. I felt so bad I even made myself run at half 11 last night to the 24 hour tesco to get cereal. The run was about 15 mins and then a 25 minute walk back. I felt dizzy and sick, but I have no idea why because it wasn't like I was lacking in food. If I was I would have welcomed the sick dizzy feeling as it would have meant I needed food. Eurgh, just eurgh!

I decided to break routine and get new cereal. It's honey nut kellogs and only 120cals per 100g so add 10cals for my skimmed milk. Plus my usual coffee which is 5cal. Breakfast time will be 130cal but that's okay because the new cereal is yummy.


Wednesday, 13 April 2011

246cal Quiche= Amazing

Another day to spend revising, only this time I'm going to have to hit the library because I get too distracted in my room.  Thankfully though I do have peace and quiet in my flat because all my housemates are away for spring break.  I'm sure this won't last until the end of the week, but hey fingers crossed.  Anyway today has been another productive day, just not revision wise but that's for later.  So far I've managed to have only my cereal and tea (the coffee I have isn't worth the wasted cals- I will buy some proper stuff soon, I forgot when I was at the shop....again) and YAY! I have red milk again. =D.  It's bliss.  Thats only 125cals for breakfast.

Plus I felt more energetic today than all week.  It must be my cold going- and thank goodness because I always seem to have the cold when it's about. Stupid Immune system.  It's only 5.40pm at the moment, so I still have all night to go. I will be up late revising, probably stuck in the 24 hour library, do goodness knows what time I will leave at.  I have a 246cal quiche in the oven, and it's not even that small.  It's amazing because I love quiches and pies of any kind, and I never eat them because they are so full of calories.  I also found a chicken and mushroom pie for 280 or something (can't remember the exact amount) I am going to have a slice of brown wholemeal bread with it- I love bread too much. 58cals (I found bread with 58cals per slice, and now I can't believe I even ate the 70cal per slice bread, seems like a waste of calories now. Oh well. That will give me a boost to begin my revision and then I have prepared another amazing 200cal tuna sandwich for brain power for later tonight, when I lose concentration. Though I did munch a lot of tuna and some sweetcorn when making it, maybe 50cals. I also had a 20cal werther original, man do I love toffee.  So todays total should be - fingers crossed I do not eat any chocolate etc later in the library. I will try my hardest not too! I will be strong.
 Total= 699 cals. The pic isn't the same flavour etc but same brand etc.

I know I could do better and not the eat the sandwich but revision needs concentration. P.s I got the quiche from tesco's. It's the weightwatchers brand.


Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Binge Dreams??

For the last two nights I have been having dreams about eating the most unsafe ridiculous foods.  In my dreams I feel anxious eating the foods but I still eat it and taste it.  I then wake up and feel awesome because it was only a dream.  I love these dreams, it feels like a real binge but it isn't.  The only down side I usually wake up craving chocolate. (my main binge food) Usually I don't have any around and so I get over it, but this morning I have 5 pieces of a bar lying in the fridge from a previous binge and I just had to eat it.  I didn't even purge- mostly because I hate purging chocolate.  I rounded it to approx 150cals.  My usual yummy cereal with green milk this time. (it's the only milk they had at the time, which made me a little distressed, but I would be more distressed without my cereal) 150cals.  Tea 20cals.  Usually I have a cup of coffee from the jar, but I ran out and again I rummaged my cupboard for whatever I had and found these 75cal per cup coffee 3 in 1 things.  Desperate for caffeine I decided to have one, which I am currently drinking.  It's very sweet, it has sugar mixed in before hand so I couldn't remove it, and I never have sugar in my drinks so very very sweet to me.  Hopefully it keeps my sweet tooth at bay.  Feels like a waste of cals though because I can have a cup for 5 cals with skimmed milk. Oh well.  I am revising and need brain food, my exams are too important to fuck up.  So I will probably make a tuna sandwich later with brown bread and no butter.  I put this at approximately 200cals.  I am not actually hungry, so this food will be for brain power and not to satisfy my hunger, which I am pleased with.

Todays total: 595cals
I could have definitely made this better without the wasteful cals- chocolate, high cal coffee and semi skimmed milk.
On a more important note.  Its that time of year again, when I have to hit the books.  Exams in less than a week and I've barely revised much. Biology, Physics, Chemistry, Core Science, Maths and English.  It's going to be exhaustive, but at least it will keep me from thinking about food.  Also I appreciate all the comments, they really make my day, especially the last one.  Good advice that I shall definitely take.  =]  Okay must revise.


Monday, 11 April 2011

What a joke!

Wellll, I am back in beautiful England! I talked myself into going on the tour.  This other girl and me thought we would make the best of it. 30 hour coach ride....I can handle that.  What I can't handle is being stranded in coventry at some service station on a motorway for 15 hours because our coach broke down!  It id just ridiculous.  our tour guide kept phoning to find out what was happening, but the company are fucking liars, telling us that a coach would pick us up every hour. Apparently all there reserves were taken up (they have 4 to cover 96) so they were trying to find us a coach from a different company to drive last minute to salou.  In the end I said fuck it and went home, with the other girl.  Plus I ate so much because I was that bored.  My alcohol ran out so I couldn't get drunk and go with it.

Anyway that was Saturday and it's Monday now.  Yesterday I had a bow of cereal which i have no idea the amount of calories because I was eating it from someone else's house and could not check, but it was with skimmed milk.  I'd say about the same as mine as it was corn flakes of some kind.  I'l go with 150cals just in case.  Then I decided I felt like shit, no spain to keep thin for etc so I thought I'd gorb out all day. I ate a sandwich and had a bowl of super noodles. =[  I felt disgusting and couldn't manage to stop myself hitting the toilet.  Oh well, at least i'll be thin....probably not.  I went to bed and I slept the rest of the day and all night until now.  It is 11.25am.  Eeesh.  I slept for 20 hours! At least I haven't been eating.

I have lost my routine with this and that and I am afraid to weigh I won't.  I am going to watch the latest episode of, 'bones' in my lovely oneise.


Thursday, 7 April 2011

Slightly depressed

Urgh, all my hard work ruined!! One stupid week at home with everyone and I am back where I started.  I need to have more self control.  I need to stop eating.  I need to exercise more.  I need to puke more.  I need to revise.  I need to do my assignments.  I need to get a job.  I need money. Why is my life so fucking depressing right now.  Oh yea I know, because I can't control my own will. I am weak.  I must be stronger!    Yes that picture really is me!

On a brighter note, I bought the book, 'wasted' by Marya Hornbacher.  Hoepfully it will keep me busy and inspire me to stop being a pig.  I'm back alone for a day then I am away to spain for a week.  Doubt I'll eat much there because I don't really like the foods there.  Alcohol will be the killer.  I don't even want to go, I want to stay here and starve and be alone, but I don't want to leave one of the girls alone because we only went because the other one was going.  We are going with a team and most of them are your usual orange blobs with big hair and loud voices  Intriguing.  Anyway much loves as always. xx

DietCokePlease xxx

Thursday, 31 March 2011

Parents cook the most awful food

Being home is great, I feel chillaxed.  I get to spend time with my dog Molly and see all my friends again.  The only pressure is food.  My mom makes dinner and expects everyone to eat it, and it tastes awful so it's not even worth eating, but I try to make my family happy.   I also haven't been able to keep up with calories counting because my food diary is back at my flat, so I have been guessing stuff and trying to keep a note in my head.  It's very frustrating.  Also as I have been eating full meals I have been having frequent, 'baths' hence the quote marks, meaning spending most of the time hanging over the toilet and having quick baths.  I hate purging, but it's my only option. I feel bulimia taking a strong point this week.  Today we had chinese food and I ate sweet and sour chicken, it was soo nice but it makes me feel like a fat shit after it and my stomach is sore when I have normal food amounts that I used to eat....I guess it's shrank.  I hate having food in my stomach unless it's very little, it feel's very bad and heavy.  I prefer to be empty and perfect, I wish I could float away.  This is my guesstimate for today;

Onion Ring Crisps: 82cals
Thick homemade veg soup: 200cals
4x cookies: 200cals
2x tea with full fat milk (mum buys it): 50cals

Total: 532cals

Yesterday was awful though;

Kids chicken bite meal from burger king: 400cals
Cup of wkd: 100cals
3x coors light: 297cals
Bikers crisps: 69cals
Taco Chip: 400cals
Sweets: 50cals

Total: 1396cals


Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Back to Eire

Thank-you for your comments. =] I know it's a new a blog but I really appreciate all the comments, and to put it simply, if you support me I will support you.

This post isn't really focused on my ED but a brief on my day, because today I feel like sharing.  So today the girlies from my class bought me a birthday present, and amazing glee bed sheet for my double bed next year. (We are all moving in together) Thank-you R,S & L.  I really loved it and I love glee.  It was perfect, and it really made my day after having a not so good birthday.  I got really drunk last night, but It was on vodka and diet soda, and I only consumed about 600cals all day.  I am going back to Ireland tomorrow to visit my family for the week and to go to the westlife concert.  Exciting.  Restricting should be easy at home, because I can keep myself busy, and walk my dog constantly.  Plus I will be super busy with uni assignments and revising for exams.

I went out to a club last night for my birthday and stayed up all night long so I am super tired right now.  I did go to the cinema and watched, 'Hall Pass.'  However I actually paid £6 to sleep through a movie. Pure awesome.  So that's the sleep I have had and I'm pure tired now.  Time to pack. Much love.
P.s got a gorge bag from New Look.  See it here ->

 Feeling very happy.


Sunday, 27 March 2011

It's my birthday =D

Big 20. Goodbye teenage years....omg I can't do it, come back pleasee. I'm not ready to be mature yet. Bleh! Okay so I am 20 today and I tried to eat without guilt, but the screaming in my head almost made me cave. "Fat Bitch, go be sick now" constantly and things along those lines. It was hard to resist and I did. I shouldn't have but I did. I consumed about 900 cals all day today, maybe it will boost my metabolism. Fingers Crossed. Back to restricting tomorrow though, especially food because I will be on the drink to celebrate my birthday, because honestly a sunday night sucks. =/ I didn't have any cake thought because that is pushing it, but if I did I would have this one...

Please don't binge on my account- THIS CAKE WILL MAKE YOU FAT!!- DO NOT BINGE

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Out of Control

I seriously have no self control when I have company...why can't I be alone.  Soo news just in, just broke up with my boyfriend and he is still here.  He wants to finish the stay and since it was a nice breaking up, I of course agreed. why oh why? So food has been totally out of control lately, and I mean mega.  I have been puking my guts out in the cinema toilets, library toilets, shower and anywhere else handy.  I have eaten soo much that I just go on binges now because I say, 'fuck it' after eating one unhealthy thing.  I don;t even know the calories I have ate, probably a gazillion, thankfully I probably have only actually put a little to my thighs.  I can't even tell because I can't get my scales out to check! grrr please just go home! He is asleep now, but I don't think I could get them without waking him because they are hidden under my bench beside the bed. It's friggin stressing me out not knowing my weight. I just hope I've lost something, but deep down I know I haven't because I haven't the weak feeling in a while, a little dizzyness but not much.  Maybe that's what bulimia is like....? Who know's but it's awful having these binges...I want to restrict it feels safer and Im more comfortable with it, but I need to be alone...Goddammit!
Rant does this to me.


Thursday, 24 March 2011

Im so Proud of myself!

As the title says I am quite proud of myself. My boyfriend took me to McDonalds - like I said before he eats like a pig- and I only had a salad and I only ate half! It wasn't even hard to watch him scoff his nuggets and chips. This is what I now think of McDonalds:

 I feel in a new mind set, no more bingeing and purging.  Just restricting.  Also my boyfriend is eating toffee popcorn right now, and I am sitting enjoying my water in the corner whilst I secretly post this.  Also he has chocolate stars and oreo's for later.  The oreo's are going to be hard to resist especially knowing its only 52cals per biscuit but I will resist because if I have one then I'l have more.  I usually am not all or nothing and can usually restrict to one but I am not going to let myself cave to even one this time.   Today's intake has been quite good.

Breakfast: Usual fruit and fibre cereal with skimmed milk-120cals
Snack: One slice of wholemeal bread with a little marmalade- 80cals
1/2 McDonalds Salad-60cals.

Total intake- 260cals

2.22am - Cannot sleep, I think I have had 3 hours of unrestful sleep grrr. I was soo tired so I don't know why.  Anyway I am awake and I thought I'd update.  I ate the rest of my salad so another 60cals, plus I had some sauce with it, that's about 20cals.  Then I just ate a yogurt 71cals.  Plus in my previous post I forgot to say that I had 2 more coffees. Lol can't forget good old coffee. 10cals.

New Total intake: 401cals.

I am okay with anything as long as it is under 500cals per day.  Bit shit since I was doing so well.  I am especially pleased I had a healthy 71cal yogurt over a 52cal oreo.


Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Chemistry is more productive than sleep.

Ha okay I can't  fucking sleep.  Probably because I slept so late into the day.  Its 5.37am and I am still awake...awesome.  Eurgh! My boyfriend is coming at 2pm tomorrow (or today whatever) and I can't sleep during the day when he is here, how rude! Plus he travels quite far to see me. So I am going to be hyped on coffee all day.  My night has been very productive though, I have revised for my Chemistry exam, cleaned my room and sorted all my uni work out.  Fuck Yea!

Couldn't find a cool carton of a female scientist (totally sexist pfft) so thats it ^^^ Now for my shitty news.  After my last post I went for a lovely jog, and by jog I mean mostly walking. I am so unfit right now, but that will change because I'm training for a quarter marathon in October.  It will be my first and that is why it's only a quarter, besides I think I would keel over doing a full one.  Anyway back on point, after my jog I felt so damn good especially with my calorie intake.  Nooo fatty here had to scoff two egg and onion with mayo sandwich...but I got rid of this after, then literally ten minutes later I ate a whole packet of bacon flavoured supernoodles with two rounds of wholemeal bread. God was it good, and of course I got rid of this.  I don't really consider myself bulimic because I usually restrict mostly, but I caved.  I guess I was craving the carbs.  Anywho I am soo hungry right now, and I am filling up on water.  I am hoping sleep takes me so I can wake up in a few hours and then have my usual breakfast of fruit and fibre cereal and skimmed milk.

DietCokePlease xxx

The Bliss of Sleeping Pills

Only one way to explain my whole day- Holy Fucking Shit- Last night I took 4 herbal sleeping pills to help me with my sleep because it has been messed up lately, and by god did they work.  I dozed off around 2am and woke up at 6pm today.  Bright side I haven't been able to eat.  Downer, I am going to have to take more tonight to make me sleep at normal time.

So I made myself some dinner when I woke up, so I guess breakfast and dinner. Maybe brinner? lol.  I made myself 2 slices of wholemeal bread with about 70cals per slice.  Thats 140cals, with two egg whites, approx 30cals, light butter 5cals and a dollop of red sauce 5cals.  Oh and a cup of tea 5cals, plus I reckon I will have another cup later on. 5cals.  I am not going to eat anything else today so my total is 210cals.  For some reason this feels alot, probably because I have consumed it all in one sitting.

DietCokePlease xxx

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

People Free At-Fooking-Last

So happy right now. I have had company since Thursday and I'm finally alone again with my ED. It has been very hard to resist eating when I am surrounded by so much temptation. The only comments I got the whole time was, 'Are you becoming a rabbit?' Ha this comment was in relation to my fridge food. Celery, Cucumber and Lettuce all the way. I nearly died when I found my diary on the floor! I forgot to hide it and left it on the bench, hopefully no one read it and it just fell over. If they did no one confronted me anyway.

I am super excited tonight to be free from food and faces! Roll on weight loss. A little thinspo. <3


Saturday, 19 March 2011

Sneaky Morning Post

It is just about to strike 6am.  I have to post at this time because my sister is asleep and so I won't be discovered posting.  I am so disgusted with myself and yet so pleased.  Disgusted because I have pigged out on at least 1000-1500cals a day for the last two days.  I feel fat and I can't do anything to change that.  I can't purge and I can't exercise. Purge for the obvious reasons of company and exercise because I really hurt my knee on monday night. I can barely walk right now!! I love my sister I do, but I can't wait until she goes home so I can eat a lot less.  Plus my boyfriend is coming on Thursday for a week and then I'm back home for a week for my Westlife concert.  I just can't escape.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have any friends!

I am also very happy because silly me has been reading my new scales incorrectly.  It goes up in 2lbs. (It's not digital) Therefore in the last two weeks I thought I only lost 2lb when in actual fact I lost 4lbs.  Probably put it all back only by now though. Err.  Anyway I thought I would post a picture of myself from fabulous St Paddys day being Irish and all.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Final Post till Tuesday.

Okay, this is my final post until Tuesday night because I have friends staying until then, and they just don't understand. Technically it's Thursday, but it's only 1.58am. So I'm posting about Wednesday. Today I had an good day for cal intake. ->

Fasted till 9pm
Weight Watchers Veg Quiche -246cal
Salad (no dressing) 20cal
Low fat yogurt - 69cal
Coffee (skimmed milk, no sugar) 5cal
Total: 340cals

DietCokePlease xxx

Dizzy is my punishment!!

I haven't been able to update this recently because I have been very busy scoffing my face! No but I have had very bad days recently. I think when I start a diet I end up worse off. Whenever I just go myself I always end up really good. =/ Anyway. Quick catch-up from Monday. It started off well with only 493, which reached my 500 for the day. However some alcohol later that night....shameful!! I was so proud that I made that 500! Okay Tuesday I had 0cal because I slept off my hangover all day. Well I did get up for Uni, but I ended up sleeping through my whole lecture. Quite funny really seeing as my professor thought he would be kind and let me sleep. However I woke up Tuesday night and had a major binge of tomato soup and some chocolate and 2 bottles of Lucozade. Trust me NEVER drink Lucozade.  It is pure wasted cals!!  So today I am paying for my last few days.  It is 5.40pm right now and I have not consumed anything apart from one bottle of water! I've been for an hour long jog.  Result -> Dizzyness.  I am going to go to tesco's later and buy some celery and cucumbers and anything that looks like food with hardly any calories.  The reason for this is because I have friends visiting tomorrow for a while and I can hardly just not eat infront of them.  So at least if I eat a cucumber it will look like I'm eating.  I can always use the uber cool excuse of, 'I'm eating healthy.'  When really I'm dying inside.  Okay rant over.

Quick Warning.  Tomorrw is St Paddy's day so I expect my alcohol intake to be quite high, so bare with me.  I do like to go out drinking.  I'm going to try only consume calories from alcohol though, and then work them off the next few days.  Probably not Thursday because I will indeed be suffering.  Okay rant over.  If I don't update for a while it's because of prying eyes.  Some Thinspo.

DietCokePlease xxx

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Wrath of the McyD

Ok well, today has been totally fucked up!! All because of one stupid Mc Donalds.  Okay so first of all my day was going well.  I didn't sleep last night at all, I was busy doing work for uni.  I'm not behind or anything, I just want to be on top of things.  So I did a whole assignment in one night.  At 8am I grabbed my usual cereal and milk. 120cals and my coffee. 5cals.  Then at about 11ish I had a nice cappuccino. 16cals.  All was good until I got home from the library.  I craved beans! Of all things beans.  So I ended up gobbing two waffles and a whole tin of beans.  Not good.  Totally ruined my ABC diet, especially on my first day.  This just wouldn't do so naturally I spent the next ten minutes over the toilet. I added about 50cals incase any was consumed. Then as I had another assignment I wanted to get out of the way I needed brain food.  I opted for a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich at 318cals. So far so good, approx the total cal would be 509cals.  Perfect Right? NO! I couldn't even stop my fat arm reaching out and buying and eating a dairy milk bar at 260cals!! Eurgh FML! I was in company so I couldn't even get rid of it when the awful feeling of guilt and self hatred came.  So you know what I did, I fucking drank a large chocolate milkshake from mcdonalds at 530cals, I deserved to be this fat, I deserve to suffer the consequences of eating a dairy milk bar.  Then came my worst binge in a while to top the day off.  I was already feeling crappy, so I thought why the fuck not. Big Mac, Fries and Diet Coke.  I ate it so fast, I couldn't even breathe afterwards.  Of course unable to let this major binge join the hips, I purged. =[ 5Ocals added to be safe. Day 1= FAILURE. Total: 1389cals. FTW.  I am so going to pay for this tomorrow! Feeling shit.

DietCokePlease xxx

Saturday, 12 March 2011

ABC with 'PrettyThin' Girlies

Okay, it's 5.40am.  Why the fuck can't I ever sleep! Uni on Monday, so hopefully back to my routine.  Okay it's only been a few hours since my last post, but since I'm awake I thought I'd update this with my new lovely news.  First not so lovely.  I gave and ate 3/4 of a small packet of coco pops try.  The miniscule packet. So only about 80 cals, I also couldn't resist and had a pea sized amount of nutella - 10cals maybe? and a cup of the good old coffee with skimmed milk. 5cal. Which brings today's total up from 125cals to 210cals.  I'm quite proud, I managed to eat a small amount of chocolate without losing control or purging.  I don't actually go by hours, I go by when I sleep. Probably not the most accurate way, but it works for me.

For the good news.  With my lovelies on Pretty Thin.  I am starting the ABC diet tomorrow, well today I guess. This is going to be hard especially the 100cal days.  Mind you i'm going out for my birthday on the 17th March, which is a 100cal day.  That is not going to happen. I will be drinking a lot.  To make up for this I'l add a fast day at the end or something along those lines.  Pretty Thin is another safe haven.  Amazing website where I spend most of my time. <3<3 My name is lifeisthin.

DietCokePlease xxx

Diet Coke is my safe haven

Ahh bliss, my final day of my week.  I am currently 451cals under from last weeks full cal consumption. That is providing I don't eat anything else today.  Its 8.43pm so I'm feeling hopeful.  Today has been quite uneventful, haven't had to struggle through the day thinking of food! Kept my self busy with my uni work. Nothing like Chemistry to keep my mind focused.   I must confess though, last night I couldn't resist the urge of the food calling me! A chicken pie- eurgh I'm such a cow for eating pie! With chips and gravy! I ate half, purged, then ate the other and purged.  Therefore I reckon I got most of it up.  I added some cals onto my count just in case.  The reason this happened, is because I had my flat to myself which is rare and so I just couldn't resist. Anyway paid for it today!

My Fav cereal- fruit n fibre with skimmed milk - 120 cal
Coffee- 5cal
Total- 125cal

Feeling optimistic this week.  My weekly weigh in say's I have lost another pound this week.  Nothing like losing pounds to keep my motivation up.  To keep me satisfied for the rest of the night I have several cans of Diet Coke. Did I mention I love Diet Coke. ; Well I do, not to mention the thinspo it gives me  seeing the asos adds. Also it really isn't to do with thinspo, I have always loved diet coke over reg coke.  Which makes me lucky <3 Keep Safe 

DietCokePlease xxx

Friday, 11 March 2011

New Blog- New Start

Hi, so this is my new blog for my new start.  I am currently dealing with my own eating disorder.  Not diagnosed, but I'm going to go with EDNOS.  Basically I'm not thin enough to be anorexic, don't purge enough to be bulimic and just basically fucked up inside.  I choose to be like this, but I can't make myself change, I can't escape the feelings when I try.  People who are suffer similar to me will understand.  It's always a choice, but it's one that sometimes we can't physically change.

Anyway now that I have justified myself -if you could call it that- I am 19, female and from the UK. I have battled with my ED for a while, it started when I was in high school, when I desired to be thin.  Of course the parents began to notice, and I was too scared off what might happen if I was caught (purging etc) so, life went normal from then.  I moved away from home, and now with no pressures to keep my family happy, I am free to do as I please, and so the story begins....

Today.  Its been a long day, I have consumed my avg cals a day which is around the 700 mark.  I always have my healthy breakfast to kick start my metabolism. (this is my only guiltless meal) I had tesco's brand cereal of wheat and fibre.  Just to mention it has raisons, which I hate, so these were removed before consumption.  I don't remove any cals from the count as I doubt they count much.  With skimmed milk, I put at approx of 130 cals.  I enjoy this meal very much, I don't feel guilty and as it is high in fibre, protein and what not, it keeps hunger at bay.   Of course this hunger always creeps it's way back eventually.

Coffee & Skimmed milk - 5cals
Full packed of super-noodles (I usually try to keep this to half a packet) - 360cals
Packet of Softmints- 170cals
Chewy sweet - 50cals

This gives me a total of 715 cals for the day- disgusting!!

Since this is my first post, I want to catch everything up.  I have a weekly weigh in and comparison table etc which is every Saturday.  I start my week from Sunday.  This is a new technique I started a week and  half a go.  So basically I have a food diary and I put all my cals into it.  I don't count exercise for a net amount, any exercise is a bonus. (I can't be fucked with the whole minus cals to get net amount, I just go by what I eat as a marker) Anyway back on point, thus far I have only had one week results.  To do this I find my required weekly cal amount from the internet (this changes as my weight changes) Week 1 I was 126lbs so my required cal intake was 12180 (1740 per day), and for the 7 days Sat-Sat I ate 6481, therefore I was 5699 cals under.  Still not happy with it.  Being 125lbs my new required cal intake is 12145 a week.  This week I need to be more than 5699 to be under to accomplish anything.  Highly unlikely, being the fat cow that I am I had a mad night out drinking (Alcohol is bad- It makes you fat, it has lots of cals) Cal intake for that day was 2206 cals. FML!

Anyway I paid for this with a 518cal day  and 382cal day. It's all i can do right now, but I'm trying.  I won't blog this much in a single post, it's only because it is my first post.  I would really enjoy to read other blogs and for people to read mine. So please don't hesitate to contact me. =]

DietCokePlease xxx