Thursday, 31 March 2011

Parents cook the most awful food

Being home is great, I feel chillaxed.  I get to spend time with my dog Molly and see all my friends again.  The only pressure is food.  My mom makes dinner and expects everyone to eat it, and it tastes awful so it's not even worth eating, but I try to make my family happy.   I also haven't been able to keep up with calories counting because my food diary is back at my flat, so I have been guessing stuff and trying to keep a note in my head.  It's very frustrating.  Also as I have been eating full meals I have been having frequent, 'baths' hence the quote marks, meaning spending most of the time hanging over the toilet and having quick baths.  I hate purging, but it's my only option. I feel bulimia taking a strong point this week.  Today we had chinese food and I ate sweet and sour chicken, it was soo nice but it makes me feel like a fat shit after it and my stomach is sore when I have normal food amounts that I used to eat....I guess it's shrank.  I hate having food in my stomach unless it's very little, it feel's very bad and heavy.  I prefer to be empty and perfect, I wish I could float away.  This is my guesstimate for today;

Onion Ring Crisps: 82cals
Thick homemade veg soup: 200cals
4x cookies: 200cals
2x tea with full fat milk (mum buys it): 50cals

Total: 532cals

Yesterday was awful though;

Kids chicken bite meal from burger king: 400cals
Cup of wkd: 100cals
3x coors light: 297cals
Bikers crisps: 69cals
Taco Chip: 400cals
Sweets: 50cals

Total: 1396cals


Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Back to Eire

Thank-you for your comments. =] I know it's a new a blog but I really appreciate all the comments, and to put it simply, if you support me I will support you.

This post isn't really focused on my ED but a brief on my day, because today I feel like sharing.  So today the girlies from my class bought me a birthday present, and amazing glee bed sheet for my double bed next year. (We are all moving in together) Thank-you R,S & L.  I really loved it and I love glee.  It was perfect, and it really made my day after having a not so good birthday.  I got really drunk last night, but It was on vodka and diet soda, and I only consumed about 600cals all day.  I am going back to Ireland tomorrow to visit my family for the week and to go to the westlife concert.  Exciting.  Restricting should be easy at home, because I can keep myself busy, and walk my dog constantly.  Plus I will be super busy with uni assignments and revising for exams.

I went out to a club last night for my birthday and stayed up all night long so I am super tired right now.  I did go to the cinema and watched, 'Hall Pass.'  However I actually paid £6 to sleep through a movie. Pure awesome.  So that's the sleep I have had and I'm pure tired now.  Time to pack. Much love.
P.s got a gorge bag from New Look.  See it here ->

 Feeling very happy.


Sunday, 27 March 2011

It's my birthday =D

Big 20. Goodbye teenage years....omg I can't do it, come back pleasee. I'm not ready to be mature yet. Bleh! Okay so I am 20 today and I tried to eat without guilt, but the screaming in my head almost made me cave. "Fat Bitch, go be sick now" constantly and things along those lines. It was hard to resist and I did. I shouldn't have but I did. I consumed about 900 cals all day today, maybe it will boost my metabolism. Fingers Crossed. Back to restricting tomorrow though, especially food because I will be on the drink to celebrate my birthday, because honestly a sunday night sucks. =/ I didn't have any cake thought because that is pushing it, but if I did I would have this one...

Please don't binge on my account- THIS CAKE WILL MAKE YOU FAT!!- DO NOT BINGE

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Out of Control

I seriously have no self control when I have company...why can't I be alone.  Soo news just in, just broke up with my boyfriend and he is still here.  He wants to finish the stay and since it was a nice breaking up, I of course agreed. why oh why? So food has been totally out of control lately, and I mean mega.  I have been puking my guts out in the cinema toilets, library toilets, shower and anywhere else handy.  I have eaten soo much that I just go on binges now because I say, 'fuck it' after eating one unhealthy thing.  I don;t even know the calories I have ate, probably a gazillion, thankfully I probably have only actually put a little to my thighs.  I can't even tell because I can't get my scales out to check! grrr please just go home! He is asleep now, but I don't think I could get them without waking him because they are hidden under my bench beside the bed. It's friggin stressing me out not knowing my weight. I just hope I've lost something, but deep down I know I haven't because I haven't the weak feeling in a while, a little dizzyness but not much.  Maybe that's what bulimia is like....? Who know's but it's awful having these binges...I want to restrict it feels safer and Im more comfortable with it, but I need to be alone...Goddammit!
Rant does this to me.


Thursday, 24 March 2011

Im so Proud of myself!

As the title says I am quite proud of myself. My boyfriend took me to McDonalds - like I said before he eats like a pig- and I only had a salad and I only ate half! It wasn't even hard to watch him scoff his nuggets and chips. This is what I now think of McDonalds:

 I feel in a new mind set, no more bingeing and purging.  Just restricting.  Also my boyfriend is eating toffee popcorn right now, and I am sitting enjoying my water in the corner whilst I secretly post this.  Also he has chocolate stars and oreo's for later.  The oreo's are going to be hard to resist especially knowing its only 52cals per biscuit but I will resist because if I have one then I'l have more.  I usually am not all or nothing and can usually restrict to one but I am not going to let myself cave to even one this time.   Today's intake has been quite good.

Breakfast: Usual fruit and fibre cereal with skimmed milk-120cals
Snack: One slice of wholemeal bread with a little marmalade- 80cals
1/2 McDonalds Salad-60cals.

Total intake- 260cals

2.22am - Cannot sleep, I think I have had 3 hours of unrestful sleep grrr. I was soo tired so I don't know why.  Anyway I am awake and I thought I'd update.  I ate the rest of my salad so another 60cals, plus I had some sauce with it, that's about 20cals.  Then I just ate a yogurt 71cals.  Plus in my previous post I forgot to say that I had 2 more coffees. Lol can't forget good old coffee. 10cals.

New Total intake: 401cals.

I am okay with anything as long as it is under 500cals per day.  Bit shit since I was doing so well.  I am especially pleased I had a healthy 71cal yogurt over a 52cal oreo.


Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Chemistry is more productive than sleep.

Ha okay I can't  fucking sleep.  Probably because I slept so late into the day.  Its 5.37am and I am still awake...awesome.  Eurgh! My boyfriend is coming at 2pm tomorrow (or today whatever) and I can't sleep during the day when he is here, how rude! Plus he travels quite far to see me. So I am going to be hyped on coffee all day.  My night has been very productive though, I have revised for my Chemistry exam, cleaned my room and sorted all my uni work out.  Fuck Yea!

Couldn't find a cool carton of a female scientist (totally sexist pfft) so thats it ^^^ Now for my shitty news.  After my last post I went for a lovely jog, and by jog I mean mostly walking. I am so unfit right now, but that will change because I'm training for a quarter marathon in October.  It will be my first and that is why it's only a quarter, besides I think I would keel over doing a full one.  Anyway back on point, after my jog I felt so damn good especially with my calorie intake.  Nooo fatty here had to scoff two egg and onion with mayo sandwich...but I got rid of this after, then literally ten minutes later I ate a whole packet of bacon flavoured supernoodles with two rounds of wholemeal bread. God was it good, and of course I got rid of this.  I don't really consider myself bulimic because I usually restrict mostly, but I caved.  I guess I was craving the carbs.  Anywho I am soo hungry right now, and I am filling up on water.  I am hoping sleep takes me so I can wake up in a few hours and then have my usual breakfast of fruit and fibre cereal and skimmed milk.

DietCokePlease xxx

The Bliss of Sleeping Pills

Only one way to explain my whole day- Holy Fucking Shit- Last night I took 4 herbal sleeping pills to help me with my sleep because it has been messed up lately, and by god did they work.  I dozed off around 2am and woke up at 6pm today.  Bright side I haven't been able to eat.  Downer, I am going to have to take more tonight to make me sleep at normal time.

So I made myself some dinner when I woke up, so I guess breakfast and dinner. Maybe brinner? lol.  I made myself 2 slices of wholemeal bread with about 70cals per slice.  Thats 140cals, with two egg whites, approx 30cals, light butter 5cals and a dollop of red sauce 5cals.  Oh and a cup of tea 5cals, plus I reckon I will have another cup later on. 5cals.  I am not going to eat anything else today so my total is 210cals.  For some reason this feels alot, probably because I have consumed it all in one sitting.

DietCokePlease xxx

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

People Free At-Fooking-Last

So happy right now. I have had company since Thursday and I'm finally alone again with my ED. It has been very hard to resist eating when I am surrounded by so much temptation. The only comments I got the whole time was, 'Are you becoming a rabbit?' Ha this comment was in relation to my fridge food. Celery, Cucumber and Lettuce all the way. I nearly died when I found my diary on the floor! I forgot to hide it and left it on the bench, hopefully no one read it and it just fell over. If they did no one confronted me anyway.

I am super excited tonight to be free from food and faces! Roll on weight loss. A little thinspo. <3


Saturday, 19 March 2011

Sneaky Morning Post

It is just about to strike 6am.  I have to post at this time because my sister is asleep and so I won't be discovered posting.  I am so disgusted with myself and yet so pleased.  Disgusted because I have pigged out on at least 1000-1500cals a day for the last two days.  I feel fat and I can't do anything to change that.  I can't purge and I can't exercise. Purge for the obvious reasons of company and exercise because I really hurt my knee on monday night. I can barely walk right now!! I love my sister I do, but I can't wait until she goes home so I can eat a lot less.  Plus my boyfriend is coming on Thursday for a week and then I'm back home for a week for my Westlife concert.  I just can't escape.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have any friends!

I am also very happy because silly me has been reading my new scales incorrectly.  It goes up in 2lbs. (It's not digital) Therefore in the last two weeks I thought I only lost 2lb when in actual fact I lost 4lbs.  Probably put it all back only by now though. Err.  Anyway I thought I would post a picture of myself from fabulous St Paddys day being Irish and all.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Final Post till Tuesday.

Okay, this is my final post until Tuesday night because I have friends staying until then, and they just don't understand. Technically it's Thursday, but it's only 1.58am. So I'm posting about Wednesday. Today I had an good day for cal intake. ->

Fasted till 9pm
Weight Watchers Veg Quiche -246cal
Salad (no dressing) 20cal
Low fat yogurt - 69cal
Coffee (skimmed milk, no sugar) 5cal
Total: 340cals

DietCokePlease xxx

Dizzy is my punishment!!

I haven't been able to update this recently because I have been very busy scoffing my face! No but I have had very bad days recently. I think when I start a diet I end up worse off. Whenever I just go myself I always end up really good. =/ Anyway. Quick catch-up from Monday. It started off well with only 493, which reached my 500 for the day. However some alcohol later that night....shameful!! I was so proud that I made that 500! Okay Tuesday I had 0cal because I slept off my hangover all day. Well I did get up for Uni, but I ended up sleeping through my whole lecture. Quite funny really seeing as my professor thought he would be kind and let me sleep. However I woke up Tuesday night and had a major binge of tomato soup and some chocolate and 2 bottles of Lucozade. Trust me NEVER drink Lucozade.  It is pure wasted cals!!  So today I am paying for my last few days.  It is 5.40pm right now and I have not consumed anything apart from one bottle of water! I've been for an hour long jog.  Result -> Dizzyness.  I am going to go to tesco's later and buy some celery and cucumbers and anything that looks like food with hardly any calories.  The reason for this is because I have friends visiting tomorrow for a while and I can hardly just not eat infront of them.  So at least if I eat a cucumber it will look like I'm eating.  I can always use the uber cool excuse of, 'I'm eating healthy.'  When really I'm dying inside.  Okay rant over.

Quick Warning.  Tomorrw is St Paddy's day so I expect my alcohol intake to be quite high, so bare with me.  I do like to go out drinking.  I'm going to try only consume calories from alcohol though, and then work them off the next few days.  Probably not Thursday because I will indeed be suffering.  Okay rant over.  If I don't update for a while it's because of prying eyes.  Some Thinspo.

DietCokePlease xxx

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Wrath of the McyD

Ok well, today has been totally fucked up!! All because of one stupid Mc Donalds.  Okay so first of all my day was going well.  I didn't sleep last night at all, I was busy doing work for uni.  I'm not behind or anything, I just want to be on top of things.  So I did a whole assignment in one night.  At 8am I grabbed my usual cereal and milk. 120cals and my coffee. 5cals.  Then at about 11ish I had a nice cappuccino. 16cals.  All was good until I got home from the library.  I craved beans! Of all things beans.  So I ended up gobbing two waffles and a whole tin of beans.  Not good.  Totally ruined my ABC diet, especially on my first day.  This just wouldn't do so naturally I spent the next ten minutes over the toilet. I added about 50cals incase any was consumed. Then as I had another assignment I wanted to get out of the way I needed brain food.  I opted for a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich at 318cals. So far so good, approx the total cal would be 509cals.  Perfect Right? NO! I couldn't even stop my fat arm reaching out and buying and eating a dairy milk bar at 260cals!! Eurgh FML! I was in company so I couldn't even get rid of it when the awful feeling of guilt and self hatred came.  So you know what I did, I fucking drank a large chocolate milkshake from mcdonalds at 530cals, I deserved to be this fat, I deserve to suffer the consequences of eating a dairy milk bar.  Then came my worst binge in a while to top the day off.  I was already feeling crappy, so I thought why the fuck not. Big Mac, Fries and Diet Coke.  I ate it so fast, I couldn't even breathe afterwards.  Of course unable to let this major binge join the hips, I purged. =[ 5Ocals added to be safe. Day 1= FAILURE. Total: 1389cals. FTW.  I am so going to pay for this tomorrow! Feeling shit.

DietCokePlease xxx

Saturday, 12 March 2011

ABC with 'PrettyThin' Girlies

Okay, it's 5.40am.  Why the fuck can't I ever sleep! Uni on Monday, so hopefully back to my routine.  Okay it's only been a few hours since my last post, but since I'm awake I thought I'd update this with my new lovely news.  First not so lovely.  I gave and ate 3/4 of a small packet of coco pops try.  The miniscule packet. So only about 80 cals, I also couldn't resist and had a pea sized amount of nutella - 10cals maybe? and a cup of the good old coffee with skimmed milk. 5cal. Which brings today's total up from 125cals to 210cals.  I'm quite proud, I managed to eat a small amount of chocolate without losing control or purging.  I don't actually go by hours, I go by when I sleep. Probably not the most accurate way, but it works for me.

For the good news.  With my lovelies on Pretty Thin.  I am starting the ABC diet tomorrow, well today I guess. This is going to be hard especially the 100cal days.  Mind you i'm going out for my birthday on the 17th March, which is a 100cal day.  That is not going to happen. I will be drinking a lot.  To make up for this I'l add a fast day at the end or something along those lines.  Pretty Thin is another safe haven.  Amazing website where I spend most of my time. <3<3 My name is lifeisthin.

DietCokePlease xxx

Diet Coke is my safe haven

Ahh bliss, my final day of my week.  I am currently 451cals under from last weeks full cal consumption. That is providing I don't eat anything else today.  Its 8.43pm so I'm feeling hopeful.  Today has been quite uneventful, haven't had to struggle through the day thinking of food! Kept my self busy with my uni work. Nothing like Chemistry to keep my mind focused.   I must confess though, last night I couldn't resist the urge of the food calling me! A chicken pie- eurgh I'm such a cow for eating pie! With chips and gravy! I ate half, purged, then ate the other and purged.  Therefore I reckon I got most of it up.  I added some cals onto my count just in case.  The reason this happened, is because I had my flat to myself which is rare and so I just couldn't resist. Anyway paid for it today!

My Fav cereal- fruit n fibre with skimmed milk - 120 cal
Coffee- 5cal
Total- 125cal

Feeling optimistic this week.  My weekly weigh in say's I have lost another pound this week.  Nothing like losing pounds to keep my motivation up.  To keep me satisfied for the rest of the night I have several cans of Diet Coke. Did I mention I love Diet Coke. ; Well I do, not to mention the thinspo it gives me  seeing the asos adds. Also it really isn't to do with thinspo, I have always loved diet coke over reg coke.  Which makes me lucky <3 Keep Safe 

DietCokePlease xxx

Friday, 11 March 2011

New Blog- New Start

Hi, so this is my new blog for my new start.  I am currently dealing with my own eating disorder.  Not diagnosed, but I'm going to go with EDNOS.  Basically I'm not thin enough to be anorexic, don't purge enough to be bulimic and just basically fucked up inside.  I choose to be like this, but I can't make myself change, I can't escape the feelings when I try.  People who are suffer similar to me will understand.  It's always a choice, but it's one that sometimes we can't physically change.

Anyway now that I have justified myself -if you could call it that- I am 19, female and from the UK. I have battled with my ED for a while, it started when I was in high school, when I desired to be thin.  Of course the parents began to notice, and I was too scared off what might happen if I was caught (purging etc) so, life went normal from then.  I moved away from home, and now with no pressures to keep my family happy, I am free to do as I please, and so the story begins....

Today.  Its been a long day, I have consumed my avg cals a day which is around the 700 mark.  I always have my healthy breakfast to kick start my metabolism. (this is my only guiltless meal) I had tesco's brand cereal of wheat and fibre.  Just to mention it has raisons, which I hate, so these were removed before consumption.  I don't remove any cals from the count as I doubt they count much.  With skimmed milk, I put at approx of 130 cals.  I enjoy this meal very much, I don't feel guilty and as it is high in fibre, protein and what not, it keeps hunger at bay.   Of course this hunger always creeps it's way back eventually.

Coffee & Skimmed milk - 5cals
Full packed of super-noodles (I usually try to keep this to half a packet) - 360cals
Packet of Softmints- 170cals
Chewy sweet - 50cals

This gives me a total of 715 cals for the day- disgusting!!

Since this is my first post, I want to catch everything up.  I have a weekly weigh in and comparison table etc which is every Saturday.  I start my week from Sunday.  This is a new technique I started a week and  half a go.  So basically I have a food diary and I put all my cals into it.  I don't count exercise for a net amount, any exercise is a bonus. (I can't be fucked with the whole minus cals to get net amount, I just go by what I eat as a marker) Anyway back on point, thus far I have only had one week results.  To do this I find my required weekly cal amount from the internet (this changes as my weight changes) Week 1 I was 126lbs so my required cal intake was 12180 (1740 per day), and for the 7 days Sat-Sat I ate 6481, therefore I was 5699 cals under.  Still not happy with it.  Being 125lbs my new required cal intake is 12145 a week.  This week I need to be more than 5699 to be under to accomplish anything.  Highly unlikely, being the fat cow that I am I had a mad night out drinking (Alcohol is bad- It makes you fat, it has lots of cals) Cal intake for that day was 2206 cals. FML!

Anyway I paid for this with a 518cal day  and 382cal day. It's all i can do right now, but I'm trying.  I won't blog this much in a single post, it's only because it is my first post.  I would really enjoy to read other blogs and for people to read mine. So please don't hesitate to contact me. =]

DietCokePlease xxx