Saturday, 21 May 2011

Ima be a godmama!!

So I haven't blogged in a while. I even checked my diary and I haven't written in it in 4 weeks!  I guess I was a mixture of having hardly any time to myself for a while and being ashamed.  I am home and I swear I cannot control myself! I just can't.  I am always good during the morning in placement.  I keep my calorie to around 400-500.  Then I go home and my mum makes me eat dinner err, and I want to so really it's my fault.  I feel so fat. fml.   

Good news though that makes me want to change slightly is that I'm gonna be a godmama. XD I wana be the best godmama eva! Im not religious, but which godparents really are these days, besides I googled it and I am so excited.  My friend S has just found out she is pregnant. 7 weeks or so.  Due date is in January.    qwjfhiuahfuehgiahgoaehgohgowhegqwfnpqeuwhf;nug

Ahh bittersweet....why can't I be normal? and just enjoy everything without constantly calorie counting. meh!  I don't want go back to uni in Liverpool because I want to stay and help my friend with her baby and be around for it, but I also want my degree and I know when I live away from my parents I can restrict easily. Decisions decisions...

Anyway sorry about not blogging....I am going to catch up on all your lovely blogs now. xx

DietCokePlease xxx

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Shopping and Laddergoat!

So today, I went shopping to Asda.  It was good, I got all the foods I like.  I got low cal vegetable soup, apples, veggies, red milk.  Low cal snacks etc etc.  Yep my week is hopefully going to be a good one. I binged out today, but I didn't purge. Good, my teeth were pleased with me.  Probably not my stomach though, but who they fucks cares! I care, I do. Oh well.  Anyway, I did binge today, yes it was easy, and damn am I guilty now.  Meh it's Sunday, therefore haaaugggge Sunday dinner.  I made my mum give me lots and lots of veg so I could fill myself up and it was easy because I love brussel sprouts.  Then I just ate chocolate, and I won't lie it was nice. Too much, but nice.  Tomorrow is Monday, so lets have a nice week will we, a nice restricting week, full of restrictyness. That's not even a word.  It is now.  It's in my blog so it  has to be a word. >_< Yeeeah!   

I watched a very random video on you tube. "Oh you, Ladder goat, You so random," It will make you laugh and laugh and will certainly brighten your dullest days.  SEARCH & WATCH IT!!


Friday, 6 May 2011

I made one week!

One week of no purging...achievement.  Hopefully I can keep it up, also as I am trying not to purge I have pressured myself to restrict more as I know I have no other option as an out if I overeat.  I do have my hard times and eat way more than I should, then I have days were I find it very very easy.  I wish I had an in between.  Hell I wish I could just not eat, then everything would be perfect, I would have total self control. 

I feel in control today. Although I know if I eat now I will lose all control so me no eaty. It is 11pm and my calorie count is 410cals. This is mainly because I didn't go into my placement today, so I slept in later, hence no eating.  I am so happy of myself today.  I feel like I achieved a lot.  I worked a 3 hour shift in the chinese and I didn't eat anything.  I get a free meal and didn;t even take it =], it wasn't even tempting, there was no mind games going on in my head trying to convince myself not to eat.

Came home I got into bed and caught up on all my programmes. (glee, vampire diaries, bones and of course ANTM- which I can't fucking believe that Alexandria went home, should have been Hannah!.Tyra said to Alexandria, "You have too much control" What!  #!%^&$!! Fuck. Control is good! I wanted to cry! ahhh Goddammit I wanted her to win! Im rooting for Molly now, she may be grumpy a lot but damn she is gorgeous! and I sorta just love her, she brings out my gay side sometimes. lol. ) My mum then bought the whole house pizza.  I declined, it was easy. I am happy.  Then my mum gave me two sausages for my to feed to my dog, I smelt them.  It was enough.  I am happy. Success.


Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Wednesday Wonder

I don't know why I made my title so poetic, I guess I'm in a good mood. A lazy mood but happy enough. I am chilled out on my bed with my beautiful jack russell terrier M trying to distract myself from doing work XD.  I have had 626 cals today, and I hope to not eat anymore.  I feel it's an achievement even though it is only 7.30pm.  I usually can make it to this time with less cals but I am never up from 7am, so really I have had 626cals over a 12 hour period which I think is good.  I hope my will power will carry me through until tomorrow when I can have my yummy fruit and fibre cereal.  I bought the kellogs brand at 152cals per bowl, but I am going to round it up to 200cals because in my house is only full fat milk. Ewwk. I must buy red,   I just don't want my family to think anything if I do. 

I haven't purged since Friday. One week is my target! I hope I can make it because I really do want to keep my teeth, and diet coke and purging certainly do not help with this.  Though recently I have cut down on the diet coke because it gives me really bad stomach cramps and makes loud noises in my stomach after a few hours of drinking it.  So just water now, but I love evian water so it's all good.  That's toothless the night fury- great movie, but if I don't change I'l end up matching the cute night fury. 
I have no scales, I cannot weigh myself, it's frustrating, but If I fail I can't see the numbers so I guess it's easier to get back up on the horse and go for round 600.  My lovely ladies who comment, use are my saddle and when I fall you guys help me so much and I can't thank use enough for understanding and not judging.  It's great to blog and go on PT where people who really understand support each other.  Much love as always.

Ohh and placement day 2 went well, a tad boring.  I have to now spend 2 hours making a lesson plan for a 20 minute lesson I will teach...eurgh where is the logic! 


Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Ironic? Diets & Healthy eating

Today was my first day of placement at schools teaching science.  I mainly observed.  Unit of work the students I was with were working on: Diets & Healthy Eating. Ironic isn't it.  The teacher went through some things about being obese and being underweight.  The pupils were then given the opportunity to find out there BMI, some did and some didn't.  Girls screamed and of course caused drama about knowing there weight, boys couldn't really give a shit. Me I just stood there staring at the scales like an idiot.  On the board was the words, 'Out of Control.'  It really hit me how out of control I have been lately, I have been eating like a pig and I need to get my control back.  I need to find a punishment to stop me eating. I must. I have probably gained the weight of an elephant and more. I can't cut, I'm not at that place and hope to never be as I see the struggles and pain of some of my beautiful ladies on here. Plus I'm supposed to be a role model for young pupils especially the young ladies.  One girl bless her freaked out today because she weighed more than the other girls, I honestly felt her pain, she looked so sad and seriously stressed.  Also I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed because I was jealous of the skinnier girls, skinnier than me, even though they were smaller they weighed less and I just wanted to bad to weigh the same if not lower.  I keep asking myself, 'How can I be a role model to these young girls if I don't eat healthy.'  

Oh well, more on the subject tomorrow. Apart from that I enjoyed my placement, a little boring just observing at times but I honestly cannot wait to teach science fully.  I get to teach a 20 minute class on materials on Thursday. Super excited for that. 


Monday, 2 May 2011

Obama 1 Osama 0

This defo tops my usual food related posts. Obama 1 Osama 0.  My thoughts are still with those who were affected by 9/11, and Osama Bin Laden got what he deserved. America and UK well done. Hopefully our soldiers will be home sooner now <3 xx

Also got to give my congrats to the Royal Family, especially the beautiful Kate & William.  Haha they were giving free train rides on Mersey rail if you were named Kate or William. Im Molly. Damn!

Back to a less important topic(under these circumstances) -My social life is killing me.  I have been home five days and for five days I have pigged out.  I don't even know why I ate half of the time because I wasn't hungry.  I was having supper, snacks, anything you name it I had.  I had easter eggs after easter.  I did so well with no eggs all easter then I cam home and my mum gave me two. TWO!! I ate them both...and a pizza.  I can't even bare to think what I must weigh. I feel like all my hard work is down the drain.  

Tomorrow I start my placement at schools and I am in from 8 till 4ish.  What the fuck am I going to eat? Never mind that part because I am so nervous.  I don't know how to teach teenagers, I barely feel older than one myself, I only turned 20 last month.  I just hope all goes well and I gain the confidence to be strong around these teens, after all nobody likes the subs or teaching assistants, so I doubt they will give me a break being a trainee teacher.  Phew hopefully I can take it all in my stride.  Maybe being younger will help me relate to them.  We shall see.